So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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