I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
