I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
