im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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