I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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