There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
