I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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