Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
