i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
