i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
