I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize