You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
