im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Randomize
