whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
