I am in a vortex of obligation.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
