Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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