All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
