I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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