I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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