Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
