Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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