Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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