he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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