that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
