so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
