They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
