It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
