paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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