the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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