just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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