i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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