They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
