Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
