I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
