i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We just shotgunned beers for America
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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