I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize