my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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