im drinking this country out of the recession.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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