So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
