Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Actions speak louder than pants.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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