Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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