Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
