I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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