I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I smell stomach acid.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
