Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize