I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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