I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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