We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
