Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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