my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Drake has all the answers
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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