I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize