I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
