I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize