and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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