i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
