Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
