Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
