im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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