Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
