Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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