very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
