Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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