Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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