I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
