I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
